Welcome to Day 17 of the 20/20 Life Vision Challenge!
Today, you have on tap the 5th of 7 assessments – Relationships – with a particular focus on all of your relationships – not just romantic – over the last five years. The overview of 7 assessments is below, illustrating what is completed, where we are today, and what is to come in the following days.
Career Assessment (Day 13) Personal Finances Assessment (Day 14) Personal Aims & Hobbies Assessment (Day 15) Health Assessment (Day 16)
- Relationships Assessment (TODAY – Day 17)
- Place & Environment Assessment
- Spirituality Assessment
There is no better way to learn about ourselves than through our relationships. They provide the ultimate mirror, and opportunity to connect with a deeper part of ourselves. In the context of goals, just think about when you achieve something great – you generally want to share it with someone or several people who you are close with. It is also a vital Goal Dimension, I feel – Relationship Quality (RQ) – to our overall happiness in life. Lessons from Day 4 (Your Supporting Cast) and Day 6 (The Goals of Others) were good primers for our work today – so you may want to refresh yourself on your worksheets from those days. Speaking of supporting casts, I bring in one of our relationship experts – Ron Baker – to guide today’s portion of the 20/20 journey. Ron is a healer, therapist and guide to thousands of people, including myself, on a 1-1 basis as well as through his books and educational programs. He is insightful, compassionate and downright profound in his life’s work. When you meet Ron, you know that you are facing someone that is living true to his purpose on the planet. Ron, welcome aboard and thank you for leading us through this most delicate topic.
Thanks for the introduction, Arman. This work is a great passion for me, and so it is a privilege to get to make an initial connection with your community.
There is so much to say about relationships, it is hard to imagine breaking it down to a few paragraphs. However, as every facet of our lives revolves around the relationships in our lives, anywhere we focus is capable of creating a powerful impact on the quality of our day-to-day. Having done work with thousands of people around the world in the last 25 years around this subject, I am convinced that all of our relationships are a reflection of the relationship we are having with ourselves—including the most intimate partners in our lives.
The most basic measuring stick that determines the quality of our relationships boils down to how safe we truly feel to give and receive in mutual value. Typically when I ask my clients whether they feel safer to give OR receive, the vast majority of people say that they feel much safer giving. I suggest this is because it gives us the illusion of being the one “in control” when we give; followed up by a typical experience of feeling vulnerable, exposed and sometimes even unworthy to actually receive. Rather than getting caught up in the psychological reasons WHY we might hold these fears, let’s challenge these limitations in some very simple and nurturing ways that have proved to be safe and effective in so many others’ lives—clear ways to make improvements in the quality of your day-to-day.
DAY 17 ASSIGNMENT:
Relationship to Self
1. How do you typically treat yourself? (from 1 – 10, with 10 being with tremendous value and 1 representing almost no value at all)
2. How do you treat yourself in the process of having a learning curve, which inevitably involves making mistakes and learning from failures. (from 1 – 10, with 1 being little patience and 10 being very patient and nurturing)
3. What messages run in your head on a daily basis about yourself?
4. What are some of the main messages that you have used that typically judge or shame yourself?
Challenge for you to stretch:
- Name 5 specific people whom you truly value.
- How many of these people do you love, based on their weight or their waist size?
- How many of these people do you treat with the same contempt and impatience that you have described about yourself?
- Now when you find yourself in habitual self-judgment, remember this exercise and decide to treat yourself with at least as much respect as you would show one of these people whom you truly value in your life.
Relationship to Others
5. How comfortable do you feel giving to others in your daily life?
5b. Do you trust the value of what you have to offer or do you tend to second guess your choices? (From 1 – 10, with 10 as trusting and valuing what you give fully and 1 representing almost no true value of what you give at all.)
6. How comfortable do you feel receiving from others in your daily life?
6b. Do you feel worthy and comfortable, even with compliments or acknowledgments that come your way? Or do you find that you deflect and belittle the moment in some way. (From 1 – 10, with 10 being fully valuing and appreciating what has been shared and 1 representing deep discomfort with the whole thing.)
7. What goals have you had in terms of RQ (Relationship Quality) over the past five years?
7b. Classify how those goals have transpired, using the Common Goal Outcomes from Day 7.
8. Have you been in an intimate, committed relationship over the past five years? [YES / NO]
8b. If so, how would you evaluate the quality of the connection and communication, on the whole? [1-10 Scale, with 1 being a major struggle, and 10 being the ultimate connection]
9. Name 2-3 people whose relationships to you improved over the past five years. How so?
10. Name 2-3 whose relationships to you regressed over the past five years. How so?
Challenge for you to stretch:
- Think of some moments in your history when you have offered gifts (whether material things or time and energy invested) that you were most excited to give.
- Now remember how it made YOU feel to be able to touch someone’s life in a meaningful way. It most likely opened your heart and created very pleasurable feelings, adding to a sense of having value to add to someone’s life.
- Next time you face the opportunity of receiving, whether it is a physical gift, a compliment or an investment of time and energy into your life…remember that the other person has the opportunity to experience the same pleasure and trust that they have something of value to offer.
- Investing in each others’ lives is how we create every single thing. When we simply remember to do it with a conscious choice to truly value — whether we are the one giving or the one receiving — we immediately impact the quality of our day-to-day investment in one another.
Thanks for receiving this lesson of encouragement from me. It means a lot to be able to plant a seed of potential enhancement in your life. In closing, I remind you to “be good to YOU.”
As I have experienced many before, Ron just dropped some very deep wisdom on us! That leaves you with a little bit of homework, which you have the chance to build upon next week in Part 2 of Relationships – this time with a look ahead to 20/20. For more practical ways to enhance your relationships and all aspects of your life, I highly recommend that you bookmark and visit regularly Ron’s blog at ronbaker.net.
See you tomorrow for Day 18!